11 lbs lighter

Well weight loss is not always a positive.

Documenting the worst sickness ever. Starting on Thursday I came home from work feeling "a bit off" then as if my body decided all of a sudden it was time for a violent cleansing and that EVERYTHING MUST GO around 8 my insides all decided to come out...whichever way they could the quickest and they often didn't even take turns. My bathtub will never look at me the same. :-/

I never had a fever but at more than 3 occasions throughout the night I hallucinated that there were people in the room with me. Sometimes taking care of me (My mom, Brian, Nick and Jeremy all at different points), sometimes just standing there (the lead singer of The Bird and the Bee and Julia), at one point dancing (Karen) but obviously they never were. Also, for most of the night I couldn't stop hearing music, loudly at all points. It was a VERY strange night. I could hardly sleep and I had to run to the bathroom (thankfully right beside my room) uncountable times. Finally around 2 I mercifully passed out and woke up around 9 feeling a bit more like a human being but still not great. I still had many emergency bathroom trips. I called out from work for Saturday and Sunday just cause I can't imagine being in the middle of a tour when all of a sudden BOOM my body tells me it's time for purge again. My body is not in much of a mood to wait for anything right now.

So before I got sick I happened to weigh myself, after my body had emptied itself violently, out of curiosity I went to check and see how much I had lost in the night from hell and I was 11lbs lighter. I have to think the scale is screwy somehow but if it isn't...whoa. I'm sure it'll all be back tomorrow since I can once again hydrate but still a crazy number.

I am now finally getting over the sickness but and still a bit grumbly. I spent the whole weekend doing my best to hold down food (which never worked until today) and liquids (which worked after Friday. I have now today for the first time been able to eat real food and not feel like it was on the way back up immediately after. So progress.

Now, since sitting up at the computer is even kinda draining for me right now I'm gonna head off and go watch another episode of Six Feet Under. Season 1 was amazing but Season 2 has proven a little slow thus far. I have faith it will pick back up but it may take till Season 3.

Thank God for these pajama pants.

February 23rd

I love cereal.

Since I was a little kid cereal has always been one of my favorite foods and as I've "matured" into an adult I've discovered that cereal can serve as not only breakfast but basically any other meal and/or snack. My current favorites are (in no particular order)

Honey Bunches of Oats (with or without almonds, this is a solid anytime cereal).

Cinnamon Toast Crunch (super sweet so more suited for breakfast or snack time cereal).

Fruity Pebbles (insert whatever joke you want here but these are amazing and FAR superior to cocoa pebbles in every way).

Cracklin' Oat Bran (yeah, this is an old people cereal but holy crap they're hiding a gold mine of flavor in these little square laxatives in a box...it's too expensive for what it is but when there is a COB sale you can bet I stock the cabinet).

Raisin Bran (I have no idea why...it's not particularly an amazing cereal but there is something about the texture and overall cereal experience that I like...I can't qualify this one).

(Despite two of my top 5 being bran cereals I am not constipated as this may lead you to believe.)

All of this exploration into the world of cereal stems from my discovery this morning. I awoke to a very snowy DC and thankfully did not have to go into the museum. I went downstairs for my morning cereal and poured a heaping bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats. Do you ever have a bowl of cereal where you think to yourself "Hmmm this doesn't quite taste just right..." but it doesn't taste SO off that you stop eating it? Well thus was my morning bowl. I had my cereal and powered through the semi off taste, did some yoga and watched some more Six Feet Under. Moments before posting this I decided it was dinner cereal time and I went to pour bowl #2 for the day and took the milk out of the fridge to make my meal complete. At this point I saw that it expired on Feb. 23rd...a WEEK ago.

Apparently my taste buds have died and soured milk is just a minor inconvenience for me. I just poured out my half gallon remaining of milk and ate my bowl of dry honey bunches...I think I'll have a more substantial dinner later as dry cereal just doesn't satisfy.

After writing all of this out I realize what a horribly boring post this turned out to be. Whoops. I guess when my tag for this one was "Cereal" I should have caught on.

A "Me" Day

Well I got to spend this evening all by myself and I have to admit it was great.

While I love my friends and meeting new people (as I have often said) it was really a great recharge for me to be solo tonight. I got home from work and I made some dinner, watched some special feature on Sweeney Todd (a current standard on my iPod for some reason) then came upstairs to do some of my banking. (This is most certainly the low point of my evening. My credit card balance is MUCH higher than I had thought it should be. This whole part time thing has really gotta stop. It's time to catch up on my ever increasing debt. I keep telling myself the fact that I have no student loans is a huge plus but it's becoming more of an excuse than a comfort these days so time to stop that.) Banking (and mild panic attack) finished I went and ran a bath, lit a candle, put on some Iron & Wine and just laid there. I let my mind wander to anything other than money and am getting ready to go write some music if I can feel inspired. I'm off work tomorrow and will continue this "me time" with some yoga in the morning and then I'll probably rejoin the world. Not a very long retreat but a necessary one nonetheless.

Quick recap of recent memory (complete with photos):

-- Saw Avenue Q with Brian on Thursday. Loved the show with the exception of Brian (the character, not the company) who was a vapid black hole on stage. Overall though, very pleased with the show. It was everything I assumed it would be from the music.


--A nice Valentine's day with Brian (the company, not the character). I learned he's quite the cook and I'm going to try and learn as much from this little foodie as I can. He's even convinced me to start watching Good Eats with Alton Brown (he used to annoy but now ole mister Brown is growing on me).


--Went to Coco Sala (the chocolate tapas place) for restaurant week where I had a pretty solid experience. The desert was obviously the best part but the most interesting was the bacon mac and cheese with a thin slice of chocolate covered bacon resting oh so delicately on top. It actually tastes better than you probably would think. Not necessarily a food item I'll be craving anytime soon but fun to say I've had. (The photo is dark, the chocolate bacon doesn't look quite as much like poo in real life.)

-- Going back a bit further I had my League auditions. (Despite the not so shiny website, it's actually quite a big deal. My headshot/resume will be sent out to 60 different companies and about 30 or so got to see my audition.) They went pretty well all things considered. My monologue got a couple laughs and the song was fine. The accompanist FLEW through it but I stayed with him and I think pulled it off just fine. The poor girl in front of me totally blanked about 4 lines into her piece, sadly put her head down, looked up and quietly said "I'm sorry" and walked off stage. Eep. Psyched me out a bit but I just went out and did it. We'll see if anything comes of it. I was pretty proud of what I ended up putting out there and afterwards I had a fantastic day up in Silver Spring. I saw Coraline with Nick and Jeremy (holy crap don't take your children to this, it's a great movie but TERRIFYING for the kiddies) and got to hang out with Nathan and Suze at their place. Some beer, an amazing drunk breakfast at midnight and some philosophical conversation made for quite a great time. (Note: for an even more terrifying movie experience, go check out Mirrors. I watched it with Nick the other night and it's pretty friggin' intense...I'd put up a picture from that but it'd be of a woman ripping her lower jaw off in a bathtub...quite a leap from a creepy spider lady cooking omlets for a claymation blue haired little girl.)

-- Even further back and I had Cathy's birthday party which was a blast. I ruv Cathy and it was great to see her having such a good time. See facebook for photographic evidence of the shin dig.

(Side note: as part of my "Me" evening I took a break right before this to put on a face mask that Sara W. gave me. I've started actually caring about facial products and the like. I know it's pretty super homo to do the whole face mask thing but I can really see a difference in my skin. I guess that's one of the benefits to being gay, you don't have to worry about "looking gay" when you do stuff like take care of your skin. Besides, I think I kinda pull it off in a war-paint sorta way yeah?)

That should wrap it up for this edition of the ole blag. Send me some positive energy if you've got a second...I'm still waiting to hear on my potential job teaching theatre/music/visual art/dance to developmentally disabled adults with Community Concepts Inc. I should know by the end of Feb and I REALLY am hoping for it. I don't wanna talk about it too much but all that good karmic energy you can spare would do me some wonder.

PS: To anyone with lots of blog experience, editing, layout skills, let me know how my photos appear when you read the posts, I spent all sorts of time trying to reposition the photos so the layout seems clean but it looks so different in my editing window and the final published post. Is there anyway to standardize the posting or anything? *shrug* I'm not super concerned but I do like for my stuff to look nice. Help me out if ya know anything.

Because who wants a real post?

So the 25 things about me meme that has been circulating facebook finally got the best of me. Combine a day off at the museum with no desire to leave my penguin pajama pants and you get a completed meme. I'll try and write something more substantial soon.

1) I always wanted to ride 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea at Disneyworld but out of the 3 times I went with my family as a kid (before the ride was closed) I threw up every time. The first time I didn’t even make it to the ride before throwing up. The 2nd time I threw up while waiting in line and the 3rd I was the NEXT PERSON to go on the ride and I threw up on a rock when the submarine surfaced.

2) I’ve played piano since I was 8 (ish). I know this one doesn’t sound that interesting but I’ve been learning that LOTS of people didn’t know this about me. I wrote a couple of dark angsty songs in high school and a couple more in college. I play primarily by ear and am only now getting semi-ok at sight reading.

3) I have a mild case of social anxiety disorder. Lots of people don’t really believe me when I say this but there are certain times when something will trigger it and I almost have a panic attack. I’ve discovered the primary times it hits are meeting new people (not surprisingly), learning new things in front of other people (specifically dancing it would seem) and of course any sort of dating situation (at least at first). I know these situations stress everyone out (for the most part) but I have a pretty intense physical reaction that I can generally keep mostly to myself. I have only fully shut down in one of these situations a couple of times but it can happen. Generally my coping mechanisms will kick in and I’ll get through it but it’s not pretty when I can’t do it.

4) I can stick my finger in my eye down to the second knuckle....same distance up my nose. I can also balance ten dollars worth of quarters in a hole I can create in my neck.

5) The day I was born there was a baby Gaines black and baby Gaines white. Guess which one my dad saw first. The nurses also nicknamed me “Baby Hollywood” because my name was so long and pretentious.

6) In the past 3 years I’ve lived in 1) Danville, KY 2) Santa Clara, CA 3) Boston, MA, 4) Louisville, KY 5) A little red truck touring through MT, WA and OR 6) Harlan, KY 7) Arlington, VA and 8) Washington DC. I think it’s time to slow it down a bit. If all things go as planned I’m sticking in DC for the foreseeable future.

7) I have learned more about myself through learning about others than I could have possibly imagined. My friends mean so much to me. I feel like every interaction I have with people, good or bad, helps shape me into the person I am to become and so far I’m pretty happy with that person. I think that social relationships are some of the most important things we can cultivate during our lives and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. It seems a bit selfish but I know that I grow immensely by learning about others and figuring out why they are the person they are and why they do the things they do. I’m all about comparative studies as long as you don’t feel inadequate to others/make others feel inadequate to you.

8) I ramble when I write. Hence the length of my answers.

9) I’m an experience junkie. (Stolen from Ginger’s seminar speech.) I didn’t realize it till after Ginger spoke the words and I really started thinking about it. I love trying new things and the idea of being a “student of the world”. I’d spent all my money on experience but have a difficult time buying material items (unless they’re related to said experience).

10) I grew up in Harlan, KY. The very southeastern corner of the state. 3 hours away from basically anything. I graduated in a class of 63 (the largest in years) and promptly moved away. While I could never live there again (for MULTIPLE reasons) I do think that living in such a small (and boring) place for most of my childhood really affected me today. I still open doors for everyone (even when there is a long line of people coming out that I don’t know). I try to say please and thank you as much as I can. I am incapable of wearing a hat inside. I trust that people are inherently good and that eventually they’ll find that side of them. (Not to say there aren’t people I think are douchebags but I always hold to the hope that maybe one day they’ll come around...even though it isn’t my job to bring them to that point.)

11) My dream home will have the following things. 1) A spiral staircase SOMEWHERE (it doesn’t even have to lead anywhere exciting, I just want a spiral staircase). 2) A glassblowing studio in the garage. 3) High ceilings. 4) A trampoline room where the floor is made of trampoline and the walls are that human velcro material so I can jump around on the trampoline and then throw myself up against the wall and stick there. 5) A baby grand (or grand) piano. Black of course. 6) A glass wall that looks out onto the view (view of what TBD). 7) LOTS of bookshelves full of books. 8) Art all over the place. 9) A kitchen with exposed brick and stainless steel appliances. 10) A hot tub

12) I have a nautical star tattooed on my back left shoulder. I also used to have both my ears pierced and my labret but I took them all out when I started teaching children. Apparently it is IMPOSSIBLE for children to focus when you have metal coming out of your lower lip.

13) I’m trying to learn yoga now and I’m really enjoying the process. Turns out I’m WAY more flexible than I would have imagined in some areas and just as flexible as I thought in others.

14) I love the process of creation. Whether it happen in theatre, art, music, or any other medium I am exhilarated by bringing something new to the world and all that entails.

15) When I was a child I wanted a snowcone so badly that I jumped on the back of the snowcone truck as it was driving away and rode on the bumper as my mom ran behind the truck screaming and trying to get the guy to stop who didn’t know there was an overweight kid begging for a snow cone hitching a ride. At the time they didn’t have windows in the back of the trucks, the next year they did. I’d like to think I was the reason for this upgrade. (End of the story: I got my snowcone and it was free....Tiger’s Blood of course.)

16) Nothing makes me cry like a beautiful song. Live music has a pied piper effect on me. I nearly lost it in the metro listening to an old lady playing the violin while I was waiting for the yellow line.

17) I tend to overanalyze things. I’m pretty intuitive with others which comes as a gift sometimes but others I nit pick through everything said/done/expressed/etc to try and make meaning of it all. It takes me at least 20 minutes to fall asleep because I’m thinking/processing everything from my day unless I’m physically exhausted.

18) I still harbor dreams of one day being successful in the artistic field. I would love to be a successful actor (not necessarily famous) or director. A singer in a band. A glassblower. Anything in that vein but my realistic dream is to be a professor of Dramatic Arts at a liberal arts school one day. I love teaching (as it is another form of creation) and if I could teach something I love so much to students who are so eager to learn would be a joy. It would also allow me the stability I’d like as well as the flexibility to travel and experience new things during the summer months.

19) There is a part of me who wants to be a sexual advice columnist in the style of Dan Savage. I know this is a lot more schooling and something I will NEVER be qualified to do but it would be such an amazing job. Human sexuality is fascinating to me and the study of it is alluring to say the least. (And I don’t even mean that in a sex crazed way...I mean like studying why some people repress sexual desire for cultural reasons, where those cultural reasons developed and why, what makes people pick their partner, what effect does sexuality have on human development, what exactly is monogamy and what does it mean to a relationship, what are the next cultural trends in regard to sexuality, what makes something taboo, etc. etc. I could go on.)

20) When I was 10 (or so) I had a mole removed from my scrotum because they were nervous it could be cancerous (it was not). It was frozen off and my reward from my dad was to let me go see Jurassic Park in Lexington even though I wasn’t 13 yet. (I wasn’t allowed to see PG-13 movies until I was 13....a strict rule of my childhood.) Afterwards we went to Lexington Green to have dinner and I could pick out any book I wanted from Joseph-Beth. I ate quickly and went into the store to pick out a book. Suddenly, my dinner caught up with me (spicy buffalo chicken strips) and I had to go to the bathroom THAT MOMENT. I was unfamiliar with the store so I had NO IDEA where the bathrooms were. I frantically searched the entire store until I finally found the restrooms. Now, when I found the restrooms my body began the “relaxation” process because I had been so tense and stressed while trying to find the toilet. I get inside and try to open the stall and BOTH are locked. My eyes widen and all I can say in my head is “You can’t poop your pants in Joseph-Beth, You can’t poop your pants in Joseph-Beth”. After nearly a minute of repeating my mantra I came to a moment of brief clarity where I said “Yes you can” and I did. Literally the moment I acquiesced the door opened and the guy said “It’s all yours.” I thanked him and went inside confused as to my next move since I no longer needed the toilet. I took off my pants and flipped my underwear inside out trying to clean up but it was a fruitless effort. I ended up throwing them in the corner of the stall and quickly leaving the store telling dad we had to go now. I told not a soul about this story until I was in college when I found out that nearly ALL of my friends had an embarrassing “poop your pants” story. I have never publicly aired it until now either. Enjoy. Also, if the Joseph-Beth worker who found my underwear ever reads this I owe them a beer.

21) I love water. I love swimming, waterfalls, fountains, ponds, lakes, oceans, pools, showers, nearly anything involving water. I’m adding on to # 11 and saying I also need some form of water something whether it be a koi pond or a decorative fountain (not tacky and gaudy but one of those looks like it was built into the terrain things).

22) My biggest fear is fear of failure.I know that by failing I learn but the whole process still intimidates me. I also have an irrational fear that when people learn about where I’m from that they will change their standards and expectations for me. I always feel like I have to prove myself before people learn about my past.

23) My favorite Ninja Turtle is Donatello, my favorite Ghostbuster is Egon and my favorite pokemon is jigglypuff.

24) I still love cartoons and think I always will. I also think it’s sort of a generational thing, the kids who loved cartoons got old and made adult ones just in time for me to enjoy them. I also still enjoy playing video games but not as much as I did when I was younger when I was a full out video game nerdo. I have over 60 NES games and have logged uncountable hours on many a system.

25) I didn’t really want to do this stupid thing but was tagged by so many people and had some time to kill on my Monday off that I gave in. This was a lot more work than I anticipated...If you read this whole thing I’m impressed...or creeped out. One of the two.

Obligatory Inauguration Post

Well here he is. President #44 Barack Hussein Obama. See him? He's right up there in the center. He's actually waving to me in this one. We sorta had a moment.

I got to go to the inauguration and I stood right in front of the Washington Monument with about 1,999,999 others watching what was taking place about a mile away.

I could see the Capitol. I could see everyone's faces (on a jumbotron) and could hear everything in a strange echo like stereo.

Most of my friends avoided downtown DC like the plague today and I fully understand why. It was freezing cold, the metro was insane, walking anywhere near the mall or the parade route was ridiculous, it was crowded, stressful, uncomfortable and exhausting but damn I'm glad I went.

I had to be a part of this. I live in DC. There are people in the country, in the world even, who would give their left nut for the opportunity to just be in the same area code as this and I couldn't let it pass by without going out myself.

I have all sorts of hopes and thoughts about the upcoming 4 (maybe 8) years and I truly do believe that Obama can bring about some fantastic and wonderful change. (Of course, not on his own but it is nice to finally have a President that motivates the people and challenges them in a way that encourages rather than frustrates.) Will tomorrow I wake up and America be filled with Rainbows and Unicorns? No. I do sometimes fear that some people put a little too much faith into the "Change we can all believe in" but I lean on the side of it's better to be a little optimistic than to feel like your actions change nothing. Will Obama make mistakes? Yes. Will conservatives jump all over these to try and prove they were right? Yes. Will liberals hail everything he does correctly as the greatest gift e're given to the world? Yes. Politics are politics and you root for your side. It's like a giant (and much more important/influential) sport played primarily by (until recently) rich old white guys. It's easy to see how "the common man" has become somewhat disinterested and burnt out on the idea of politics. If nothing else, Obama has re-invigorated the public to turn an eye towards political ideals and the health and prosperity of our country. In my opinion, if that's the only thing he accomplishes as president, he's done something quite astounding. (Note: Here's hoping that's not the one and only achievement the Obama office can claim but I needed a good point t make and there it was.)

It was inspirational to see so many people attend the inauguration. People of all different races, religions, states, sexual orientations, creeds, dogmas, beliefs, hair styles, outerwear choices, habits, traits and other descriptive categories were in attendance. Some were very emotional, others reserved but all filled with the energy, spirit and hope tied to the day. After the 8 years of Bush many Americans felt burned out and disillusioned with the idea of our democracy. Myself included. However, he was indeed an elected official. Not just elected, but RE-elected. (Say what you will about Florida and hanging chads but if we had REALLY been motivated to steer Gore into office some improper actions (purposeful or not) in the nation's penis shouldn't have been the deciding factor. If Bush did one thing he set up a political climate that really motivated the public to take action and really campaign to make their voices heard and heard loudly.) Don't get me wrong. I am certainly not a Bush supported or anything like that, far from it...but I do think that if this idea of bi-partisanship is going to take hold, the liberal side of things really has to make an effort to reach the conservative groups on their turf a little bit. They're upset and they're ready to lash back at us with all they've got. We have to show them that even in our time of triumph that we are still good people with valid points of view. Not just tree-hugging hippie fags who want to donate money to everyone in the world so that they can plant organic corn to fuel our hybrid cars so that we can drive sick animals to the animal shelter and then make a stop off at the aborto-hut to rip out someone's fetus. No no fair conservative, we're more than that. Let's all give this working together thing a shot and see where it takes us.

Well, that got political fast. Returning to the actual experience.

I woke up at 6:45. Left the house around 7:15. Met Davis around 8. Lost all cell phone reception around 8:15 for most of the day. Got to our spot at the monument around 8:25. Waited there until the whole kit and kaboodle was over a little after one. I was uncomfortable, cramped and cold but I loved the whole thing. I am so glad I forced myself to go and I know I'll be even happier ten years from now when I can point in my kid's or grandkid's history book of an aerial view of the crowd and say "I was right there".

I teared up a couple of times (I'm an emotional douche) but it was good. I felt inspired and I really do believe that we can change this downward spiral we're currently stuck in (in so many different aspects of the country). I teared up first when the chair of the Inauguration Committee first spoke. Then again when John William's piece was performed (I loved the opening but the whole "tis a gift" variation on a theme thing didn't quite blow my skirt up). Finally, of course, I teared up a couple times during Barack's speech. I'll be damned if that man can't speak and inspire. I guess that's why they pay him the big bucks now.

Warren's invocation was boring and flat. I, of course, am somewhat biased towards him but I think even if I wasn't, I wouldn't have thought much of it. The only thing I will latch onto though is how he said SAH-SHAH(!) in the GAYEST possible way. You hate homos rev. Warren? Then stop talking like us.

Overall, I was moved and very pleased with the whole event. I considered going out tonight as I don't have to go into work but after the trek back (culminating at it's peak in an hour long bottleneck trying to exit the mall) I think I may just wall myself off from other human beings for a while. (At least until tomorrow when I go back to work at a tourist destination.)

I believe I'll come to a close. I'm going to try and start writing concisely but it seems like that's something I just don't really do so don't hold your breath. Inauguration was amazing and I'm honored and amazed I got to be a part of it. Again, Yay 2009!

Global Warming My Ass!

Are you friggin' kidding me? I feel like this everytime I go out.
And yes, I know it's colder in Chicago and Boston and the South Pole but I still hate this.

Summertime in Winter

Life is strange.

I know that's kind of a trite and overused way to start an entry here but I can't think of anything more appropriate.

My life has been a series of extreme highs and lows. I seem to do very little in the middle ground. Maybe that comes with age and maturity but so far my experiences have all been either WAY on the plus or WAY on the negative. I guess I kind of prefer that currently but who knows how my tastes will develop as life progresses.

Currently I just had one of those moments where I realized my life is at quite a high right now. I like to document the highs more than the lows because it's a lot more fun to revisit them. Last night I went over to Nick and Jeremy's for dinner. They have quickly become two amazing friends in my 4 short months in DC. It's remarkable how people can go from strangers to friends in such a short time. My friends, old and new, have provided me with more happiness than anything I can think of here. To be developing my home and my network in a city I love is really a fantastic feeling and something as simple as a dinner at someone's house is really beginning to mean the world to me. I woke up this morning to my Dutch roommate Geirghard (pronounced here-hard with lots of spit in the beginning) playing Summertime on the piano, followed up by Somewhere Over the Rainbow which is currently still going on. It's beautiful. He's an organist and learning to play jazz piano here in DC so I have a feeling my next 3 months will be full of some amazing music. (Note: he just did an amazing chordal progression and I got goosebumps.) Music really has a way of controlling my emotions. From walking to the metro to laying in bed before going to sleep, music plays a large part in my daily life whether or not I always acknowledge it. The visceral sound and emotion that comes from live music is one that always pulls at me and to have an amazing pianist living in my house is going to keep me on an emotional high as long as he keeps playing. I have tickets to see "Next to Normal" at Arena with Chad tonight. I have so many great friends from Centre here in DC as well. It really feels amazing to move to an area and already have a social scene around but the mix is perfect because I'm still meeting lots of amazing new people at work, at the bars and through other friends. I truly believe that one of my greatest joys is getting to know new people and learning from their experiences and their personalities. I take so much from the people I come in contact with, I hope that they get as much out of me as I do out of them.

Correction: Life is strange and beautiful.

Spring Forward, Fall Back

Well peace out 2008 and hello to a brand spankin' new 2009.

I was torn whether I should do an 08 retrospective or a 2009 look to the future. After much debate I decided there was value to both so here we go.

2008 - A Retrospect

2008 was a rough year for sure but in the end most certainly a productive one. It's super cheesy but one of those lame phrases that you always hear proved very true for me this year. The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fire. (I don't even know if that's true or not but damn, doesn't it sound good?) I dealt with quite a bit this year. A really rough break up which lead to quite the life-shift/reevaluation, lots of moving around, losing a large chunk of my worldly possessions due to the carelessness and neglect of one I once thought was a friend, accumulating more debt than I've ever had, the first real lack of a theatre related job and of course coming out to my father.

I worked with The Kentucky Shakespeare Festival (Bard Buddies), The Missoula Children's Theatre (Jack and the Beanstalk), The Catclaw Theatre (Prep work mostly, more to come in 09), The University of Louisville (Titus Andronicus), and The International Spy Museum (Operation Spy Guide).

I lived in Louisville, KY, a little red truck that traveled the Pacific Northwest (which is beautiful), Harlan, KY, and Arlington, VA.

I learned a lot about what I want/need out of a relationship and a partner. I lost myself in my desire to be with someone and came out on the other side a much stronger person. I had never disappeared like that before and now that I know what it's like, I don't ever want to do it again. I know that for a relationship to work both people have to give of themselves freely but both must also be fair in what they ask of their partner. A relationship is about building a life together, not blindly forcing someone into your preexisting life. Priorities will shift around a lot and you have to be ready for that. After over a year of rebuilding my emotional health/strength I know that now I'm ready to find that person and really know how to be a good boyfriend.

I've become totally comfortable with the idea of being gay. I wrote a little bit about this in my old school livejournal which I did a horrible job keeping up with but it's a big step and I feel I should reflect a bit more on it. I guess 25 isn't super late to get comfortable in your own skin. I know lots of people who did it much earlier (kids are coming out in friggin' middle school these days) but I also know of a lot of sad people who are still denying that side of themselves well into their 40's, 50's, 60's. I know a lot of that denial came from the culture/society set up around them as they were younger and I'd like to think that the current culture/society is a bit more understanding and welcoming. Not to say that it's fully there yet but it's made significant strides in the past 30 odd years or so. The passage of Proposition 8 proves that we've still got a really long way to go but it was a mere 20 years ago that the supreme court ruled in Bowers v. Hardwick that homosexuals had no rights to privacy in their own homes. 20 years ago. We're making huge strides but just because the pace is picking up doesn't mean we should stop the race. This is a marathon and we've all got to work together to get to the finish line. The problem is, with such strong cultural backlash to the mere idea of being who you are when you're gay makes it difficult to motivate people who are still uncomfortable in their own skin to take any sort of real action. I wasn't much of a benefit to the GLBT community for the past 24 years of my life, hopefully now I can make up for some lost time and help motivate others as well. (More to say on this but I think I'll save that for a later entry.)

I love it here in DC. I got here in September and while I'm certainly in more debt than I've ever seen thanks to my credit card I am still so excited to be here. The city is huge but doesn't feel overwhelming, the architecture and layout is beautiful most everywhere, the political climate is electric right now and I have a great and ever expanding social network here in the area. I didn't think I'd be here much longer than a year or two but it seems to be shaping up to be a more long term stay for me if things go as planned. I know not to plan too stringently but I do like the idea of pushing pause on my nomad style of living for a bit.

So really 2008 was shaping up to be a pretty crappy year personally until the last couple of months when all of the hardships/trials/tribulations/whatever you want to over-dramatize them as, all came together and I saw the end result of it. Me being a much better person. I had become pretty complacent in lots of aspects of my life and had really lost my sense of self (something I had never had a problem with before). Realizing it was gone was a huge blow to my self-image and it took a really long time to maneuver my way back to it but now that I've really had to work to find it, I truly understand and value how important it is. Anytime you have to work for something, you appreciate it more than when it's just handed to you or has just always been there so now I'm pretty proud of myself and won't be tossing my self-worth to the side anytime soon. Now 2008 has become a super productive and life-shaping year. Transitions are always the hardest part in writing and in life.

And now for the worst transition ever.

2009 - Looking to the future

Resolution time. I've never really been one to make these, let alone stick to them but this year, with all my new found self-motivation and confidence I think it might be a good time to actually think about what I want out of 2009.

1) Continue on in this path of self growth. It's working out really well thus far, no reason to slow down.

2) Find a better job in DC. Not that the Spy Museum isn't a good gig, but it really doesn't pay quite enough for me to live as I would like and I'd really like some benefits please. I have an interview coming up working with the developmentally disabled as a Talent Director which would be amazing. I'm keeping every possible appendage crossed on this one.

3) Direct at least 2 new shows. I don't want to lose sight of my goal of one day being a college professor and I'll absolutely need to go back to get my MFA in Directing if I want to do this. I can be less nomadic but still take steps towards the goal line here in DC. I've got one show coming up with Catclaw for sure but I'd like to get at least one more in this year. I'd love to do 4 full lengths this year but that may be a bit ambitious.

4) Find a solid relationship. Like I said, I'm really ready to share this new found person with someone else. I would really like to have someone there beside me in 09 to share my successes and failures with. I don't want to have to settle for someone just to have companionship though so I know I'm in for a long process. Let's see what DC has in store for me.

5) Meet lots of new people. This one is pretty self explanatory. If I'm not going to be travelling all over the place and seeing new places, I'd like to meet new people and explore the world that way.

6) Get better at the piano. I've just recently realized how much I love playing the piano again and how cathartic it is for me. The new place I'm moving into in Columbia Heights has a piano in the living room so I have no excuse now not to play.

7) Write a book of short stories. I've got some ideas here and a couple of people to help out with this one. Hopefully I can at least get started this year. The blog is sort of my baby step in the writing direction, hopefully the two will inspire one another.

8) Get in the gym. I've slimmed down a bit since I moved to DC (mainly because of my 1.2 mile walk to and from the metro every day) but I think it's time to try and put on some muscle if I can. If I get a solid job somewhere, one of my first "frivolous" purchases will be a gym membership. Anytime I pay for something, I feel like I need to use it so hopefully that'll motivate me.

9) Learn lots of new things. I like the whole idea of being a "student of the world" and since I've been in DC I feel like I've grown a lot and learned lots of things about myself, the world, government and other people. I don't know exactly how to qualify this as a resolution but I write it just to remind myself to continue being open to new experience and to really take in and process everything that comes my way. Also, I must remain actively engaged in seeking out experiences, people and situations that will enhance my world view and force me to think, create, feel and debate.

10) (Just so the list is even) Volunteer for some GLBT organizations. Like I mentioned before, I haven't been very active in the community in the past because of my own fears and inadequacies but now that the climate is changing and we're gathering momentum and steam I think I need to become an active part of the movement in whatever way I can. That way in 30 years when I have kids I can tell them without shame or fear that I helped make America a better place for everyone, not just the GLBT community.

Hmmm...I guess that's a pretty good list. Of course there's a lot more that I hope to accomplish in 2009 but those are the ones that are jumping to mind right now. I've got a whole year to add to the list and I'm sure I will.

Now, I'm off to move into my awesome new place in Columbia Heights and get the hell out of Olga's house. (My landlord's name is Olga, she's Russian and really not pleasant to live with. I'm outta here.)

More to come...

Day 1

Well my father has known I'm gay for just under 48 hours.

(I've been looking for a good place to start a new blog so I figured this was a pretty big milestone to touch on.)

Now for some, the coming out process isn't as difficult as it has been for me. (For others of course, it's even harder so I have no right to complain.) But some background on how this has all come to be.

I've known I was gay since 7th grade. I didn't really have a word for it but I knew that I was interested more in guys than girls and that made me different from most every other boy at Holy Trinity (as far as I knew). Now back at that point in my life I was pretty religious, not particularly because I wanted to be but because that was just what you do in Harlan. I grew up in an Episcopalian Church, went to a Southern Baptist youth group and attended a Catholic Middle School, I'd say the religious fates were stacked against me. (Or for me depending on your opinions.)

Harlan is a very conservative rural town in South Eastern KY. There's an Oscar winning documentary about it called "Harlan County, U.S.A" and I have yet to actually see it all the way through. Someday I'll sit myself down and actually watch it but I feel like I lived there so I've already got a pretty good idea about what's going on. It's a coal mining town that has basically dried up in the past 10 years or so. After returning home this Christmas I really started to see how the town has just crumbled in the past couple of years. I don't know if this has always been the case and in my youth and inexperience I just never saw how bad the situation was or if it really has been slowly falling apart since I've been gone. One of the few things that the residents of Harlan can cling to is their faith and I know exactly what that feels like.

I spent a large portion of my middle/high school years trying to pray out the gay. I went to bed every night beginning my prayers like this:

"Dear Lord, thank you for this day and everything you've given me. Please make me straight."

The prayer would continue from there on whatever topic I had for the day but every day for I'd say about 7 1/2 years, I said those words. I was ashamed of who I was and all that it entailed. I didn't want to be gay. I thought it was wrong and that if I would just try hard enough or pray hard enough or believe hard enough that I could "overcome" my "sinful desires" and live the life that God and my family wanted me to live. There were no gay role models for me, no examples of a gay man who was a success and anything other than a coke-addicted queen parading down the Castro with a feather boa on shouting at the religious right. I most certainly didn't want to be that, I thought to myself, and that was what gay was to me.

My father was always one to belittle other people. The "N word" was pretty common in my house. He called people on TV faggots. He told a family friend who had a niece who was marrying a black guy that "I would rather throw myself off a bridge than see my daughter get married to a N*****." Needless to say, not the most tolerant environment for the closeted gay kid to grow up.

So that's some of the backstory on the home life. Conservative. Religious. Small. Stifling. Etc. Etc.

I went to college in 2002 and started coming to terms with the fact that I was gay. I went to Centre College in Danville, KY (www.centre.edu) which was a great school where I had lots of AMAZING experiences. I wouldn't change my past at all, but looking back it probably wasn't the best place to discover myself as a gay man...I discovered nearly every other part of me but the gay side still sat in the closet pretty securely.

I first came out to my best friend Kate in November of my sophomore year. Not because I was proud or comfortable with it but because it was really hurting our relationship for her not to know. She was interested in me romantically and I didn't want to lie and say that I just wasn't in to her. I figured, of all people, she needed to know this. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I had never said the words "I'm gay" to anyone other than myself before. While she took it fantastically and after it was over I felt a huge sense of relief, I still wasn't ready to come out to others. I swore her to secrecy and continued living my so called straight life in college.

So here's the deal. When you go to a school with less than 1,500 students, you know everyone and if you don't know them personally you at least know something about them. "There goes so and so, she hooked up with what's his face last night at the Phi Delt house." "Did you hear about John Doe passing out in the hallway this morning?" "Blankety-blank does crack off the toilet in their apartment, drunk sorority girl told me she saw it last week!" Etc. etc. So when a single fraternity guy has not once gone home with ONE girl EVER, when that same guy is a dramatic arts major, when that same guy is a really good dancer and that same guy is strangely non-threatening to women...people begin to talk. Sadly that same guy was so entrenched in keep up appearances that he refused to believe that anyone could think he was gay and even if they did, at least they had no real proof. I was raised to believe that unless someone is telling you "I'm gay" that you should always give them the benefit of the doubt that they were straight. I assumed everyone would do the same for me.

I started coming out to more and more people as I became more and more comfortable with the idea of other's knowing. By my senior year most of my closest friends knew and I was actually dating a great guy (long-distance) who I had met abroad in London. I was becoming more and more at ease with the idea that this was a part of me that wasn't something to be ashamed of but rather something that made me who I am. I was really happy with who I was and who I was becoming and I started to see that this person had developed as a direct result of me being gay. If I was straight, I'd be a much different person and who knows what he'd be like. I like this person quite a lot and am excited to see what becomes of him.

After graduating from College I decided I wouldn't lie about my sexuality any more with new people. I moved to CA to work with a theatre company there and I was open about having a boyfriend with anyone who asked. I didn't do the obnoxious "Hi Strother Gaines, nice to meet you, I'm a homosexual *firm handshake*" kinda deal but I never hid the fact that I had a boyfriend when asked. It was such a normal thing for me to be gay in CA that it was a refreshing change of pace that allowed me to become even more confident in the person I was. I started telling more people from my past that I was gay and eventually during the Christmas of 06 I came out to my mom. She was my first family member to know and while she did cry and told me "this feels like a death" she has since become such an amazing supportive mom. I knew she was totally ok with it when she tried to convince me to get in touch with Oprah's interior designer. "He's so handsome Strother and he has a beard which I know you like." Thanks Mom.

So it's now been about 2 years since Mom has known and my sister eventually figured it out. We just had the official talk about both of us acknowledging that we both knew the other knew. She's not particularly excited about it and strikes me as the type of person who says "Gay people are fine as long as they don't flaunt it or do it in front of me cause that's gross" kinda girl. Everyone I guess is entitled to their opinion but I'm entitled to my response as well. I don't feel any need to pursue that conversation with her any further now, she knows what's going on and she can react however she likes to it. So, now with all the members of my immediate family knowing (sans my 10 year old brother) I was starting to feel the pull to tell Dad. For my brother I told him (in between watching Home Movies Season 3) that sometimes women fall in love with women and men fall in love with men and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of people in Harlan are going to tell you that it's wrong or gross or bad but I wanted you to know from me that they're wrong. Their opinions are misinformed and that sometimes that's just the way things happen. Who you love doesn't determine your worth or the type of person you are and it's totally fine for a man to love a man or a woman to love a woman." He said "Ok, I know that." I asked him if he knew a man could love a man or a woman a woman before I said that and he said "Yeah I knew that" and then I asked him if he thought it was wrong and he said "No, I thought it was ok. Let's watch the next episode." I had normalized the idea for him but not given him too much to process. I think he already knows I'm gay but just doesn't fully understand what that means yet. He loves me unconditionally and I know there will be no issues with him.

Dad was the only person in the world I was worried about finding out. I thought when he did I would be disowned because when I was 12 he told me that "If you ever bring home a black girl, you're out of the will and if you ever bring home a guy, I have no son." Pretty clear. While I didn't particularly enjoy going back to Harlan for holidays, I did want to be able to see my Mom and little brother so it was nerve wracking to think that I might lose that.

December 27th 2008. I woke up knowing I was going to tell Dad. I had spoken to my mom about it and she said "I've had three years to process it and I'm fine with it now. Maybe it's time he got a chance to process it too." (She's only had 2 years but I guess she meant 3 Christmases to process.) I knew that she was supportive of my decision. I started packing all my things for the trip back to DC. I came back from one trip to the car and told her I felt like I might throw up and she said she might too. If nothing else, it was comforting to know that we were in this together. I got all of my stuff in the car, hugged everyone and said goodbye then asked dad "Can I talk to you in the driveway?"

I wanted to do it outside of the house in case he started yelling or potentially hit me, that was something I didn't want my little brother to see or hear. I decided I would give all of the explanation before saying the actual words because once those hit the floor I knew he'd shut down. I took a deep breath and I gave my spiel. I don't really remember exactly what I said because I was floating somewhere outside of my body due to nerves but it was something to the effect of:

I have to tell you something and I know it isn't something you're going to be excited to hear. I've been meaning to tell you for a while but I've been scared about what your reaction was going to be. I want you to know that I'm not telling you this to prove a point, to hurt you or to just "be liberal". This is a part of who I am and if you and I are going to have any sort of real relationship it's a part of me you need to know about. I've known about this since 7th grade and it's been something that I used to pray about a lot and something that I've thought a lot about as well. I'm really proud of the person I am and who I've become and I don't like the idea of hiding any part of myself from people for fear of how they'll react. I don't know what's the easiest way for you to hear this or the best way to say it so I just will...

Deep breath

I'm gay.

*silence*

He was quite for some time. He looked down at the ground and wouldn't look at me. After a long pause he asked "How do you think I should respond to this?"

I told him I knew what I thought he would do and what I hoped he would do but I really had no idea how he actually would react.

He said "Well you're my son, so I'm not going to turn you out and I do love you but this is something I can never accept. I think it's wrong. I don't agree with the lifestyle and you can't change my opinion on that. I hope that you're not sure about this. Maybe you're not sure."

I told him if I wasn't sure I certainly wouldn't have told him. Then I asked him what he meant by "the lifestyle". I told him I wasn't your run-of-the-mill homo and I wanted him to form his opinions off my actions and my life and not his ideas of what it means to be gay.

He said he didn't know what he meant by "the lifestyle" which to me means he's either just spouting rhetoric about "the gay lifestyle" or he means anal sex and just wasn't comfortable enough to say it. (I guess I'm pretty thankful he didn't mention anal sex, I can only imagine how uncomfortable that conversation would be.)

He was silent for a bit more and I asked him how he felt. He said "It feels like a cold smack in the face and to be honest I'm ready to smack you back *makes a fist and shows it to me* so I wouldn't push this much further."

So in the scheme of things, he only threatened to hit me. He didn't actually which is a step up from what I thought he'd do so I guess there's the bright side.

I took the hint and said that I wanted to be open and honest about my life with him from now on and if he had any questions or wanted to ask me anything to please let me know because I would answer anything. He said he thought that was a good way to be but that he didn't have any questions. I told him I would call when I got back to DC to let them know I made it back safely.

We turned to walk up the stairs and our arms touched. He gave me an intensely awkward side hug but I feel like that little gesture means a lot. I hope I'm right.

So now the processing time begins for him. I called mom to tell her how it went and that Dad was going to go out to think for a while. I later called back to see if he had come back yet and he had but he had said nothing. I think he's going to go the "ignore it and it'll go away...and if it doesn't go away I at least don't have to deal with it" path. I guess that's really the best I could hope for knowing his past and his outlook. I have hope that maybe he'll one day become supportive but I don't hold on to that too tightly. The burden of hiding myself is off of me and now I am living my life totally open and honest about who I am and who I love. The constant fear of someone telling my dad is gone and I don't care who finds out that I'm gay because the one person who could have had the biggest impact on my life knows now and I'm still here. I got to a point where I realized, I'd still be here even if he did disown me. I'd still be the person I respect regardless of how he dealt with it. I think that's what gave me the courage to actually tell him.

I've got to thank all my wonderful friends for being so supportive of me during this. I have yet to experience any negative response from anyone when I came out to them and the love and support I've gotten from all of them have shaped me and brought me to this milestone in my life. I know that it is because of the people I have been privileged to meet that I am who I am and I thank each and everyone one of you for being there for me in whatever way no matter how small. I am so lucky to have such a wide spread and amazing group of people in my life and I count it as one of my biggest joys to know them all.

Well, that's enough douching out for me. I tend to get all sappy when it comes to this stuff. Enough of that. I guess thus ends my first blog entry for "Aint' No Hummus in Harlan". Hope you enjoyed, I'll do my best to post on here with some sort of frequency but I've never been too good at that. Maybe with this schnazzy new layout I'll be a bit more inspired. I've got quite a lot to write about these days too...maybe some combo of the two will make a blog. Sorry this entry has been so long, I figure the backstory is the bulk of the post and hopefully from now on I can be a bit more concise.

More to come.