Spring Forward, Fall Back

Well peace out 2008 and hello to a brand spankin' new 2009.

I was torn whether I should do an 08 retrospective or a 2009 look to the future. After much debate I decided there was value to both so here we go.

2008 - A Retrospect

2008 was a rough year for sure but in the end most certainly a productive one. It's super cheesy but one of those lame phrases that you always hear proved very true for me this year. The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fire. (I don't even know if that's true or not but damn, doesn't it sound good?) I dealt with quite a bit this year. A really rough break up which lead to quite the life-shift/reevaluation, lots of moving around, losing a large chunk of my worldly possessions due to the carelessness and neglect of one I once thought was a friend, accumulating more debt than I've ever had, the first real lack of a theatre related job and of course coming out to my father.

I worked with The Kentucky Shakespeare Festival (Bard Buddies), The Missoula Children's Theatre (Jack and the Beanstalk), The Catclaw Theatre (Prep work mostly, more to come in 09), The University of Louisville (Titus Andronicus), and The International Spy Museum (Operation Spy Guide).

I lived in Louisville, KY, a little red truck that traveled the Pacific Northwest (which is beautiful), Harlan, KY, and Arlington, VA.

I learned a lot about what I want/need out of a relationship and a partner. I lost myself in my desire to be with someone and came out on the other side a much stronger person. I had never disappeared like that before and now that I know what it's like, I don't ever want to do it again. I know that for a relationship to work both people have to give of themselves freely but both must also be fair in what they ask of their partner. A relationship is about building a life together, not blindly forcing someone into your preexisting life. Priorities will shift around a lot and you have to be ready for that. After over a year of rebuilding my emotional health/strength I know that now I'm ready to find that person and really know how to be a good boyfriend.

I've become totally comfortable with the idea of being gay. I wrote a little bit about this in my old school livejournal which I did a horrible job keeping up with but it's a big step and I feel I should reflect a bit more on it. I guess 25 isn't super late to get comfortable in your own skin. I know lots of people who did it much earlier (kids are coming out in friggin' middle school these days) but I also know of a lot of sad people who are still denying that side of themselves well into their 40's, 50's, 60's. I know a lot of that denial came from the culture/society set up around them as they were younger and I'd like to think that the current culture/society is a bit more understanding and welcoming. Not to say that it's fully there yet but it's made significant strides in the past 30 odd years or so. The passage of Proposition 8 proves that we've still got a really long way to go but it was a mere 20 years ago that the supreme court ruled in Bowers v. Hardwick that homosexuals had no rights to privacy in their own homes. 20 years ago. We're making huge strides but just because the pace is picking up doesn't mean we should stop the race. This is a marathon and we've all got to work together to get to the finish line. The problem is, with such strong cultural backlash to the mere idea of being who you are when you're gay makes it difficult to motivate people who are still uncomfortable in their own skin to take any sort of real action. I wasn't much of a benefit to the GLBT community for the past 24 years of my life, hopefully now I can make up for some lost time and help motivate others as well. (More to say on this but I think I'll save that for a later entry.)

I love it here in DC. I got here in September and while I'm certainly in more debt than I've ever seen thanks to my credit card I am still so excited to be here. The city is huge but doesn't feel overwhelming, the architecture and layout is beautiful most everywhere, the political climate is electric right now and I have a great and ever expanding social network here in the area. I didn't think I'd be here much longer than a year or two but it seems to be shaping up to be a more long term stay for me if things go as planned. I know not to plan too stringently but I do like the idea of pushing pause on my nomad style of living for a bit.

So really 2008 was shaping up to be a pretty crappy year personally until the last couple of months when all of the hardships/trials/tribulations/whatever you want to over-dramatize them as, all came together and I saw the end result of it. Me being a much better person. I had become pretty complacent in lots of aspects of my life and had really lost my sense of self (something I had never had a problem with before). Realizing it was gone was a huge blow to my self-image and it took a really long time to maneuver my way back to it but now that I've really had to work to find it, I truly understand and value how important it is. Anytime you have to work for something, you appreciate it more than when it's just handed to you or has just always been there so now I'm pretty proud of myself and won't be tossing my self-worth to the side anytime soon. Now 2008 has become a super productive and life-shaping year. Transitions are always the hardest part in writing and in life.

And now for the worst transition ever.

2009 - Looking to the future

Resolution time. I've never really been one to make these, let alone stick to them but this year, with all my new found self-motivation and confidence I think it might be a good time to actually think about what I want out of 2009.

1) Continue on in this path of self growth. It's working out really well thus far, no reason to slow down.

2) Find a better job in DC. Not that the Spy Museum isn't a good gig, but it really doesn't pay quite enough for me to live as I would like and I'd really like some benefits please. I have an interview coming up working with the developmentally disabled as a Talent Director which would be amazing. I'm keeping every possible appendage crossed on this one.

3) Direct at least 2 new shows. I don't want to lose sight of my goal of one day being a college professor and I'll absolutely need to go back to get my MFA in Directing if I want to do this. I can be less nomadic but still take steps towards the goal line here in DC. I've got one show coming up with Catclaw for sure but I'd like to get at least one more in this year. I'd love to do 4 full lengths this year but that may be a bit ambitious.

4) Find a solid relationship. Like I said, I'm really ready to share this new found person with someone else. I would really like to have someone there beside me in 09 to share my successes and failures with. I don't want to have to settle for someone just to have companionship though so I know I'm in for a long process. Let's see what DC has in store for me.

5) Meet lots of new people. This one is pretty self explanatory. If I'm not going to be travelling all over the place and seeing new places, I'd like to meet new people and explore the world that way.

6) Get better at the piano. I've just recently realized how much I love playing the piano again and how cathartic it is for me. The new place I'm moving into in Columbia Heights has a piano in the living room so I have no excuse now not to play.

7) Write a book of short stories. I've got some ideas here and a couple of people to help out with this one. Hopefully I can at least get started this year. The blog is sort of my baby step in the writing direction, hopefully the two will inspire one another.

8) Get in the gym. I've slimmed down a bit since I moved to DC (mainly because of my 1.2 mile walk to and from the metro every day) but I think it's time to try and put on some muscle if I can. If I get a solid job somewhere, one of my first "frivolous" purchases will be a gym membership. Anytime I pay for something, I feel like I need to use it so hopefully that'll motivate me.

9) Learn lots of new things. I like the whole idea of being a "student of the world" and since I've been in DC I feel like I've grown a lot and learned lots of things about myself, the world, government and other people. I don't know exactly how to qualify this as a resolution but I write it just to remind myself to continue being open to new experience and to really take in and process everything that comes my way. Also, I must remain actively engaged in seeking out experiences, people and situations that will enhance my world view and force me to think, create, feel and debate.

10) (Just so the list is even) Volunteer for some GLBT organizations. Like I mentioned before, I haven't been very active in the community in the past because of my own fears and inadequacies but now that the climate is changing and we're gathering momentum and steam I think I need to become an active part of the movement in whatever way I can. That way in 30 years when I have kids I can tell them without shame or fear that I helped make America a better place for everyone, not just the GLBT community.

Hmmm...I guess that's a pretty good list. Of course there's a lot more that I hope to accomplish in 2009 but those are the ones that are jumping to mind right now. I've got a whole year to add to the list and I'm sure I will.

Now, I'm off to move into my awesome new place in Columbia Heights and get the hell out of Olga's house. (My landlord's name is Olga, she's Russian and really not pleasant to live with. I'm outta here.)

More to come...